Never. Never say never, they say 🤷♀️ 7 days after my first surgery in August 2017 my exact words to my surgeon were, “Never again will I go through another surgery like that”. In that moment, there was nothing comical about my response, over my dead body was I going to let my body go through torture again. How the fuck could I have possibly been so naive to think that 1 surgery was the be all, end all to my cardiac adventure.
Adventure was putting it lightly. Up until recently, my thoughts on my heart disease was anything but an adventure. Have you ever despised a job, where everyday you dragged going into work because you cringed being there? Yeah? We all have, right? Well, this hate wasn’t like that, there was so much despise in my heart that left little to no room for faith.
MY heart disease, MY illness, MY heart…MY decision on how to continue to face any future surgeries, medication changes, surgeons, lifestyle changes, etc. Once I truly realized that I had the ability to control my mindset of my disease that all of the fear, anger, hate, sadness, feeling of being a failure would eventually give me the ability to be open to faith again, but feel calm, free, & continue to fight my disease with pride and strength.
3 years have come and gone, 18 heart surgeries, 32 pills a day, surgeons located in Pennsylvania, several different cardiologist on my case, repetitive failed surgeries, routine surgeries every 3/4 months going forward…..that is the life I will continue to live but I will live it with faith, optimism, love, strength, gratitude, & compassion.
“Never” gives limits that will never allow us to see our full potential. To remain close minded and pessimistic will only hinder oneself and the relationships around us. As the days go on, I continuously learn and grow, all I can hope is that Sierra and Lydia take these experiences with them and appreciate all life has to offer; no matter the size, big or small. What might be small to one, could be major to another; even as simple as being able to breathe or not be fatigued. Not because one is “lazy”, but because of what they suffer from that might not be visible to the eye.
“Never” settle for being that person that’s judging another whose struggling with an insecurity so close to their heart, you’d be surprised at how often individuals struggling with an internal disease will hide it to avoid hearing the judgment❤️