Questions. So many damn questions were always running through my head, it was like they were all in a fucking marathon to cross the finish line to be answered. If you haven’t noticed by now, I have a habit of not writing in chronological order of my journey….& I don’t plan on changing either. Good thing I only have selective OCD.
Speaking of being comfortable, I certainly wasn’t comfortable with asking questions about my disease and hell if I wasn’t the most uncomfortable when questioned about my illness. Questions always resulted in pity & if you haven’t caught on by now, pity makes my stomach turn…don’t be a dick, don’t give people pity just because they’re going through something. Yeah, those nice words that “you’re suppose to say” during difficult times…well, I hate to tell you, aren’t always what people want to hear. Just being blunt with you. Damn, do I despise the words “I’m sorry you have that”…Well, Betty I’m sorry you have a weird ass big toe 🤷♀️ Everyone is always struggling with something, whether it’s an insecurity, their own demons, decision making, health concerns, financial struggles, faith, sexuality, toxic environments, career decisions, parenting (pretty sure that’s the hardest of all), relationship struggles, etc. No matter the degree of the struggle someone is going through, the display of pity is never the best route to help someone you care for cope. But, in all seriousness I’m not sorry that I live with this disease because truth be told it’s been one of the best blessings in disguises, but most importantly I’m not 6 feet under I’m living my best life.
We live and we learn, that’s a saying, right? Well, while living a stagnant, almost on replay life for awhile after struggling with my disease, I somehow lost the ability to ask questions because I wasn’t ready to hear the answers. Living is the ultimate gift given to us, but without learning we’re only holding ourselves back.
Quality of life? Longevity of life? What’s going to happen to me? Will my family be okay throughout this? Physical appearance changes? What would people say? My career? My life changes? Why did this happen to me? What do all of these big ass words that I can’t spell & certainly can’t say mean? Is it going to kill me?
Even up until this day, that last question is one I’ve yet to gain the courage to ask.
So damn naive and so many damn questions that I was too scared to face, so instead, avoidance became my best friend. Have you ever opted to avoid a situation, for whatever validation you had? Well, avoidance is bullshit. It’s the easy way out, avoidance only causes more of a headache in the long run. Don’t do it. Don’t hold back just because you lack courage. Gain that courage, build yourself up, give yourself the control back.
2 of my biggest reasons to always continue to write my story. My advice to you is…..write your own story, it’s an important one; but you just might surprise yourself.