Lifeless. Fuck, I can’t move, the ice, just inches away, my chest, my chest needs it. Roll on your side Jess, you can do this. Jess, just fucking move. The fuck, the fuck is this pain. Fuck, it hurts. Scream, do that, you can do that. Can’t breath, I’m drowning within my own lifeless body. Double over in pain, physically unable to move everything comes up & I’m lifeless. Unable to fucking move. 911—please, fucking 911, after 2 long hours, chest fucking on fire, unable to move where’s the ambulance. Shit, my babies are watching. God they’ve got to be terrified, but they said I love you as the stretcher takes me away. That “I love you”, will get me thru this…
Lifeless, so lifeless that all I can get out is “ouch”, “fuck”, “it hurts”, tears rolling down faster than the heaviest of storms down my check. Please just help me, begging in my head. Coherent enough to watch around me, them checking my EKG “oh yeah the pacemaker is working” great, but something isn’t because this pain is radiating from my chest, to my right arm to my back. Holy fuck, why, why does it hurt so fucking bad & why aren’t these fucking sirens on. Listen lady, stopstaring at that EKG like you know how to read it &give me some fucking medicine for the pain
(my apologizes, just my thoughts in those moments).
Oh fuck, I’m going ice cold, my body is going limp, fuck, no, please no. Don’t code, don’t code. Nope, here I fucking go. Come on Jess, not fucking today bruh. Fuck, we’re not going to do that again. Bad fucking plan.
Okay, hospital, a hospital, answers, help, please fucking help. my pain. Hours, upon hours went with little to no pain medication. Fucking agonizing pain, screaming it hurts, doubled over having my mom rub my back. No relief, fuck. Please run a chest X-ray, grab Medtronic, echo, anything heart related verse telling me it’s just muscle pain. Begging & pleading for them to do something.
Think Jess, with the severity of my medical I have my doctors numbers but HATE to use them. I knew within myself something was severely wrong. So, made the call to my main cardiologist. Little background, he’s a mean bad ass man whose from Germany. You don’t wanna fuck with him. Man would I have hated to be on that receiving end of that phone call. Where’s the bathroom, I’m gonna piss my pants if someone doesn’t help me soon. Nurse brings the wheelchairs, says go ahead it’s locked. Of course doesn’t help me, why would they at this point. Go to stand up, the chair slides away and my face bounces off of the arm. He proceeds to walks away as I’m screaming “my chest”, “my chest”. Fucking pathetic excuse of a medical provider. Just to sit in my room screaming in pain watching them sit at their computers laughing & wasting time.
Finally, after 8 hours, 8 long hours of fucking pain & torture to get answers that’s my cardiologist demanded & received the answers within 2 hours he calls me. I’ll never forget the concern in his voice & the seriousness for me to listen to him. For him to be concerned I knew it I was in danger, my heart fucking sank. “Jess, they’re to give you pain medicine routinely. Now listen to me, you’ve got to be transported to TGH, your leads perforated your heart & lungs. You need surgery, I will be there waiting on you. We are going to take care of you. I’m so sorry this has happened to you.”
Oookkay, was all I could manage to get out with the biggest pit in my stomach. What the fuck just happened. I’m speechless, so fucking confused, & in agonizing pain . Just want it to go away & get home to my babies. My babies, how, how am I going to be able to do this. Thoughts, the thoughts never stopped, the anxiety overpowered, I couldn’t breath.
“Jess, Jess, come on, time to go” okay, good, get me out of this hell hole. “Jess, you’ve got to be medflighted, you’re in too severe of a state to be transported by ambulance”….
Uhmm, what the fuck is happening….