It’s a game. My body against my heart hitting a crossroads, mentally, emotionally, & physically. Losing myself, I was beginning to feel crazy. Aches in my chest or is it pain, possibly just heaviness. Pushing through the days continued to get more difficult, especially at work and need to randomly stop to catch my breath.
The waiting game really fucking sucks. We’re a few years in with this game my heart likes to play. Phone starts vibrating, my chest got heavier with the nervousness, it’s Dr. Genius calling. The hesitation of answering always felt like heartbreak all over. Ope, guess what…another fucking ablation. I remember a few years ago after my 1st time I said never again, so why do I continue this torture. I guess in reality my kids are my why.
Each surgery varied, but they were always painful and exhausting. My employer was understanding, I’m sure a lot was because I was a workaholic—it eased my mind staying occupied. I had recently started dating Brandon (now ex), but he rode the wild ride of surgeries for a long while without complaint. I hated having to deliver news of surgeries or results from testing, not only was it exhausting but I knew how sick I was and never wanted to burden a life that didn’t need it. Fortunately for the time, it was never made to feel that way.
Basic surgery, well not really, but in my opinion it was. Constant monitors, bloodwork, surgeries, medication, it was the new normal for me and it was a hard adjustment. Waiting game begins, IV’s started, medication list complete, anxiety medicine (a must), so many pages to sign, docs in/out discussing their job during the surgery. Sierra and Brandon were about to be stuck together to wait on answers and updates, while they knew one another, it wasn’t extremely well but Sierra wanted to go.
The taste of your own tears, especially while in pain, strapped down and unable to move is a longing taste. Watching the monitors to the side while Dr. Genius is messing around inside my heart and talking about a lot of nonsense. He never stopped talking during surgeries, a blabbermouth for someone who doesn’t like a lot of people actually. Question after question and I’d lay there in agonizing pain barely able to get the answers out. The tones of his voice changed rapidly yelling what’s her INR, every couple of seconds. Clotting was happening and it was quick. Squeezing my eyes tight, please end soon.
Hours later, I’m waking. Not waking to comfort, but waking up and anxious to leave. I remember just needing to see familiarity and I couldn’t until they let me out of recovery 😭Unfortunately for me, I was always inpatient for surgeries 🙄 The surgery wasn’t as successful as he’d hope….which meant another was in my near future.
Often people tell me I’m an inspiration to them. I’ve never really understood why….I’m just a basic girl living off the inspiration of her kids.
Precious Heart 