The delicacy of needing to soft land was pertinent, but the immense shaking during the moments of idling didnât look promising. Eyes were so heavy and having them closed felt too good, too good that it was hard to open them. Fighting myself against the temptation of my own body, my mind refused to cater to the weakness my body felt. Feeling the warmth of the nurses hand against my arm, âTheyâre waiting on you, but youâll need blood immediately.â Forcing my eyes open and shifting them to the side I nodded. Blood transfusion, easy, weâve done numerous ones during surgeries this shouldnât be an issue.
So, I had thought.
Fucking claustrophobia was starting to set in again, hoping they open the back of this chopper soon. The pain was fucking radiating from inside my chest through my back, down my arms feeling as if a knife had been gashed into my chest and held into place twisting with pressure. Gasping for each breath, reiterating to myself they need me, I canât leave them just yet.
Finally, I had heard them yelling my name to release me down immediately my eyes started shifting to see who was around that Iâd notice. My life had limited time and my watch to survival was truly ticking. Good, fucking familiar faces, finally comfort began to relax my body just a little. So much talking started between everyone, but most importantly so much bleeding had happened. With the uncertainty of the time of when the lead had ultimately cut through my heart and lungs time wasnât on our side.
Bedside CTâs were set for every 30 minutes until surgery time, along either bloodwork to gauge how severe my injuries were internally. Game time! Blood transfusion begins, immediately I donât feel well. Ope, what the fuck I said. Not meaning it towards anyone, just out of sheer frustration. Temperature immediately rises to 102, of course the fuck it was is all I thought. I tolled my eyes in annoyances, trying to hold as still as I possibly could, but the pain kept me in agony. âStopâ, the physician declared. Barely able to breathe, unable to handle the pain any longer the tears become uncontrollable and repeatedly I just begged and pleaded, âwhy, why is this happeningâ.
Fear consumed me and I had nothing left in me, just pain and suffering. My body is theirs is all I could think, I had no control no matter how much I tried playing my own mind game against my body. The room emptied out to get cooling blankets, ice packs, and other items to lower my body temperature but two individuals remained. My annoyance had peaked at unbearable levels. My eyes shifted to the physician looking at me, his eyes were dark but not with pitty, more fear and pain. His hand was cool, clammy almost, but gentle and he gently said, âMy shift ends shortly, but itâs imperative that you understand how severe this situation is. Youâre in dire need of surgery and without it you wonât surviveâŚ.â
Whyâs it feel like Iâve been ran over by a train over and over again, my bodyâs limp, & my eyes are barely opening as I look side to side looking for familiarity. Wasnât I just in GatlinburgâŚ
Whatâs happening & why am I so bandaged & in so much pain, was all I could thinkâŚ
Precious Heart 