Lifeless. Fuck, I canāt move, the ice, just inches away, my chest, my chest needs it. Roll on your side Jess, you can do this. Jess, just fucking move. The fuck, the fuck is this pain. Fuck, it hurts. Scream, do that, you can do that. Canāt breath, Iām drowning within my own lifeless body.… Continue reading So heartless š©øšŖā¤ļø
Tag: Love
Itās okay to not be okay š¤
Sighā¦Breathing in so deep trying to rid that feeling of fucking defeat is gut wrenching. Chest weighing heavy with the deep breath in, trying to hold it for a second, but yet it seems to be so hard to take a deep breath in. Yet it still isnāt enough. Do you ever just feel so… Continue reading Itās okay to not be okay š¤
Heart surgery, sure no problemšŖ
Reality. Thereās nothing like flat lining on the operating table, hello reality check. āSheās back, we got sinus rhythm.ā Itās like a damn episode of Greyās Anatomy. Strapped down, flat on my back, looking around like a dumbass, as if I could really see anything around me. Shit, theyāre talking about me. Confused momentarily, what… Continue reading Heart surgery, sure no problemšŖ
Questions, keep them coming šāāļø
Questions. So many damn questions were always running through my head, it was like they were all in a fucking marathon to cross the finish line to be answered. If you havenāt noticed by now, I have a habit of not writing in chronological order of my journey....& I don't plan on changing either. Good… Continue reading Questions, keep them coming šāāļø
Never, is that a thing š¤
Never. Never say never, they say š¤·āāļø 7 days after my first surgery in August 2017 my exact words to my surgeon were, āNever again will I go through another surgery like thatā. In that moment, there was nothing comical about my response, over my dead body was I going to let my body go… Continue reading Never, is that a thing š¤
Obstacles, the best gift š§
Obstacles. Ugh, fucking obstacles. Obstacles give anxiety a whole new meaning. Itās like taking that shot of whiskey that youāve never had before and trying to swallow it like a champ, but reality is your stomachs in knots and youāll probably avoid that shot in the future. Okay, taking a shot of whiskey while trying… Continue reading Obstacles, the best gift š§
The inevitable Change š¤©
Change. 6, 9, 12 months ago or even 1 or 2 years ago my response to change wouldāve been, āIf itās not broken why fix itā. My god, thinking of those words now I think, ā how ridiculous was Iā and āwas I really that close mindedā. Thereās so much in our lives that arenāt… Continue reading The inevitable Change š¤©
A beautiful love ā£ļø
Love. Love could easily be described as the best feeling to have. You know, that feeling of being able to take a deep breath and have an overpowered sense of calmness that is so soothing, it can literally be felt within your chest if you let it. Do we even realize just how powerful love… Continue reading A beautiful love ā£ļø
Envy can be ugly š£
Emotional. Well, shit. Want to talk about an emotional rollercoaster or harsh terminology. Remember in the previous post the surgery that just had to work? Surprise, surprise..that too was unsuccessful. After laying on an operating table, wide awake, with no pain medication, feeling every burning sensation to my heart (& there was an immense amount… Continue reading Envy can be ugly š£
Denial, we all do it š
Vicious. Vicious and abrupt. All I could comprehend was my body was clammy & going limp, with the inability to see anything other than pitch black. Completely unaware of what was happening. To the ground my body went, involuntarily. Panic rushed through me. My body wasnāt my body in that moment. Wake up and brush… Continue reading Denial, we all do it š
Precious Heart 