Enmity. Have you ever had so much animosity built up against someone or something? For those that are unaware, enmity is a feeling or condition of hostility or animosity. Obviously we all go through moments of having those feelings here and there, or so I assume everyoneās experienced it at least once. Personally the enmity I have for Dana, my sperm donor, has been at an all time high the last several months. Serious question for absent parents, what in the fuck is seriously wrong with yāall. Oh, asking for myself šāāļø

Before the Karenās start. Yes, I know I am literally all over the place with my entire blog. Yes, I know this isnāt the nicest blog or the most appropriate. But I promise I do try to remain positive even on the days that itās a bitch fest š¤·āāļø Iām sorry, not sorry type of thing. I genuinely feel itās imperative for people to release their feelings & thoughts, even if it means going on a tangent or rant. Weād all be lying if we said weāve never ranted before.
Thereās worst things in the world than growing up without a father figure. Dana is a world class piece of shit in my opinion. Personal opinion over here, of course. But let me give ya a quick run down. Drugs, alcohol, whatever else you want to add to the list seemed to rule his life for most of my life while living thousands of miles away. I get it, actually I donāt, but I understand addiction is a touchy subject for many. I just donāt think Iāll ever truly be able to comprehend how anything can ever be more important than being their for your child. So, back to this fella. Heās asked to enter my life just a handful of times, Iāve allowed the attempt. He seemed interested and as far as I was aware heād been clean for years (I believe he still is).
Iām 25 for the 8th time now šš¤·āāļø and Iāve seen him at most 5 times in my life that I remember. Letās break this down even more, he lives 2 hours from me. So, after genetic testing confirmed I have a cardiac gene I did my due diligence and reached out to all/any person that is āfamilyā to educate them on the need for them to get tested. Of course, he made it about himself š I left it be and continued on. When Iād have surgeries Iād reach out just to see if thereād be some sort of interest from him. To no surprise, thatās a hard no.
Now back to reality, itās December 2020, another major heart surgery in the books (Iāll fill yāall in within the next few days, promise š¤). Reach out prior to giving a final opportunity for him to show interest, none was given. So, I politely wrote him explaining that one day I hope his selfishness letās him see the impact itās had on my brother and I. Yes, politely, although I really wanted to tell him heās a royal piece of shit. After doing so, I get the response of āhis girlfriend and him will pray for me. He hopes that one day I can forgive himā….umm, let me be very transparent when I say this. If youāre an absent parent and/or youāre dating someone whose an absent parent and you donāt see any issue with them not having a relationship with their children, you my friend, are a piece of shit too. Sorry, not sorry š¤·āāļøāļø

Iām going to go with some people just donāt know how to be a parent or they truly donāt give a fuck about being one. For anyone whose felt that pain or felt they needed closure, donāt be ashamed. But, let me tell you, you are fucking good enough and never let someone whose chosen to not be a parent make you feel itās your fault or that youāre not good enough.
Thatās the note I went into surgery on. Have heart surgery during a pandemic in between Thanksgiving and Christmas they said, in a city under complete lockdown with a hospital almost at max capacity.
Shit, you think having an absent parent is bad being in a hospital alone is even worse. For everyone whose struggled in 2020 keep fighting that fight because this is a beautiful life.

Oh, & to Dana & his girlfriend if you ever happen to read this. I may have found my own closure, but my opinion of you being shit will never change š Thank you for showing me the parent I never want to be.
You know Iām always here no matter what! ā¤ļø
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