Anxiety. The burning, it’s so painful, the breathing, my breath, I can’t catch it, trying so hard, the beating, like a cop beating on the door, but yet so slow, is it even there. Fuck, the pain, the discomfort, I need to breath. Kneel down, hold onto something, yeah that’ll solve the problem. Simple, simple fix. Ha, who the fuck am I kidding. Not the solution. Anxiety, it‘ll make you a fucking train wreck. Convinced all I needed was my medicine…
Whose suppose to prepare us for the fucked up shit in life? Family, friends, mentors, those we love? Maybe none, maybe all of the above. I’m not sure we will ever be prepared for the shit thrown our way no matter the facade that we put in a picture, quick conversation, small video clip. I guess it’s those that are truly close to us that can see thru even single fine detail of that facade.
That pain, the struggle, was so unfamiliar, yet so unknown. Struggling with being inside one’s own mind, navigating unknown feelings, really fucks us up. What I didn’t know what was about to smack me from left field. The fucking unknown can destroy & break someone down.
That pain was anything short of just baseline anxiety. Sure, yes, anxiety at full speed but to be fair those close to me know my anxiety has been working overload for the last several months. So that, that was what I wanted to blame. Deep down I knew it was my heart & my life was about to crumble more.
Heart attack, what in the fuck, surgeries, cool been thru those numerous times, what else, device change, sweet, travel back to PA for surgery, fucking winning, what else do we got, operate on that coronary artery, umm yeah no, tap out on that one. It damn near killed me the last time figuratively & literally. Heart failure is back in full swing too? Oh yeah, that’s really cool too bro.
Truthfully I know there’s never a good fucking time for medical to kick our ass but when I say this is truly one of the worst fucking possible time for it to come with a fucking vengeance…it fucking is. It’s all fun & games until shit hits you sideways & you realize just how fucking short life really is. Guess the big girl pants are about to be put right back on given the month of February is looking booked as fuck with dates on the operating table.
More often than not I truly do try to remain optimistic with my condition, but damn it I am allowed to be fucking irate too. Our struggles are our worst demons & fuck it if they’re not hard to leave at bay with all that’s happening & to come.
I’ll forever say it…it’s okay not to be okay but these girls will forever be my reason to push ahead ❤️