The forbidden word…grief 😮

Grief. Not the grief of losing someone/something to death. Grief of losing what was, what is, or even worse grieving a life that is trying to live. I’m now into year 8 or 9 possibly of living this disease and I still grieve parts of me that once was. 

Adapting to change use to be my second language, until I realized my body was constantly battling it internally. Honestly, I still don’t realize how much I battle myself with it. Grieving isn’t easy for me, but suppression is. Every time the word surgery was mentioned a different part of me felt like it died. Not just surgery, but it was always another fucking heart surgery. A handful of individuals went through these surgeries with me & never made me feel like a burden or inadequate (Trust me, we’re not talking about my ex-husband here). Although I still felt like I was dying inside with each one, I became increasingly good at just going with the flow. There’s no truer saying than “if they wanted to, they would”. I never hid my disease, I mean why would I, it’s literally a silent killer, 40-60 pills a day just to survive & I was increasingly symptomatic so it was became nearly impossible to hide. Most days it was just a struggle to take the medication. 

At this point I had gone through nearly 7-8 surgeries give or take, every one of them different, every one of them was fucking painful and each one just felt further and further from being a success. I was a fucking lab rat and there was no end in sight. Here we go again, another damn surgery was mentioned and I had zero intention on mentioning it to anyone, except my employer because I’d need a few hours off. (Yes, I’d get out of surgery and respond to emails I was a terrible patient 🤦‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️) More importantly I had no intentions on mentioning it to somebody fresh in my life. I’m not sure what gave him the courage to just be there, but after that there was never a surgery he lacked courage, was always supportive, and never showed any signs of fear.

Was that the first one and only one we’d endure during our time, nope, not even fucking close. I’ve had a tremendous team behind me throughout some of the toughest of battles and for each one of them I’m not sure they’ll ever understand the appreciation I’ll forever hold for them.

We became pretty acquainted with the team up at the University of Pennsylvania due to having to travel there…not once, but twice, not too mentioned one of those times were during Covid. Now imagine having to go anywhere during Covid, especially a hospital, for a heart surgery. We will circle back to that eventually. 

Anyway, the knots in my stomach never disappeared and I was terrified of this particular surgery. Still to this day I couldn’t tell you why, but the strength that was with me lifted the heaviness of the room. In essence, don’t fear the what ifs or you’ll never be able to fully live, don’t question loyalty unless a reasons given, appreciate support, & never be afraid to feel fear. Because it’s real & being vulnerable is what allows you to grow, ask questions and gain the knowledge. Without the knowledge, there’s zero power over your health and body.

I still grieve myself, much of me actually, I may not speak on it often, but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Next stop, how morbid I felt getting heart surgery during COVID & the fear that took over…