🫀 surgery 5 states away…👀🤷🏽‍♀️

Chest heavy, inhaling deep, running my fingertips over the names on the flight itineraries with continuing glances at the departure screens. Flying, adventures, new scenery excites me…yet I still couldn’t control the nerves. Medically I questioned within myself what was so deserving of myself to have the wealth of knowledge within those that’ll be operating, the love & support I had surrounding me, & simply how I kept pushing ahead. Fumbled around with the itinerary paper a handful of times knowing we were putting trust in a new physician we’ve never met to operate in areas of uncertainty. Sitting still was nearly impossible, but the simple gestures from him whether it was him putting his arm around me and pulling me gently into him letting me lay my head onto his shoulders, a simple grab of my hand, or the gentle resting and rubbing my thigh to shift the thoughts letting me feel the warmth of him & the security I knew I had. I let you in with a lifetime of uncertainty & when I thought I needed space, only to realize you were the calm to all the storms we had faced. Breathing felt free in those moments, even though I knew he was holding the world on his shoulders.

Surgery was T-48ish hours away and the Airbnb had plenty of space, felt an ease of comfort walking through the door. With every negative thought that would attempt to enter my mind, I’d struggle to smother it with a positive, a glance over at him, & a quick look at my phone. Comfort, relief, love, fear, scare, unfamiliarity, it was all consuming me. Where’s the where bouts of two of my best friends…they opted to road trip it from FL to Philly & should be arriving in the next day. So with our typical fashion of traveling and staying in airbnbs we soaked up the little bit of time occupying the surgery brain of everything except surgery. He was great at doing just that. 

Laughing until our stomachs cramped and eyes had tears in them. We all sat around a basic sized kitchen table that sat four & played different card games, ordered Uber eats, had different foods as desserts, & soaked up the time as it passed by so fast. The Chinese food was delicious & let me tell you, it hit all the spots. It never failed that between Karen and him the food would always be selected wisely. Life felt easy in those moments.

Unfamiliarity really brings out different personalities, especially in stressful settings. Constantly fighting “what the fuck”, “what if it doesn’t go as planned”, “what if I don’t wake up”, etc. as he tried to settle those thoughts and take the lead every opportunity he had. It was time, time to navigate a new facility, damn the time it actually takes. There’s little room for error when we’re about to give our trust into an entire medical team who is going to burn the living shit out of my heart, a quick gut instinct thankfully came in clutch. We’ve coped with medical trauma for years (him while we were together) with laughter and suppression, (me) and it worked for us, especially before they were getting ready to take you back to put you through hell there’s just something about a smile from your person.

Eyes glancing wall to wall as the bed was wheeled down the wall, the nurses speaking calming words (scripted ofc, also I’m sure with empathy), but all I wanted was the calming medicine to come through my IV. && it wasn’t happening fast enough, the cath lab doors, & the rush of a cold breeze swept over me as I breathed in deep preparing for what was about to happen. 

The medical world is massive, but you never know who’ll it’ll be on your next case…